by: Fadheela Hammad
The two girls were best friends; they grew up together, got married and were blessed with children of similar age. Their fine relationship yielded a loving relationship between their children whom were deeply influenced by their mothers.
The children grew up; they had wonderful times together; studying and playing. But their friendship did not last; it was not as beautiful at the very least. Everyone around them was surprised. Is it possible! Is it possible for this innocent relationship to break apart, what could be the reason? Both mothers tried to understand the reasons behind their children's withdrawal from such cherished friendship. After long conversations between them and their respective children, the reasons were finally revealed, unexpectedly; both children had quite similar motives. Both stated that the reason for which they have withdrawn from that friendship was in fact; constant comparisons made by their mothers to encourage them to perform certain tasks.
The first child said "You always tell me; look at your friend Ahmed, he is a smart hard-working child, always on top of his class, why can't you be like him" he added "Mother, don't you know that children hate comparison? It hurts and frustrates us" The other child said to his mother "You always ask me to be more like my friend Hani; he is an organized and responsible child. You tell me that he depends on himself and puts away his own cloths. Mother, don't you know that when you ask me to be like him, you are basically asking me to be someone I am not, I have my own unique qualities"
Comparison methods are often used by parents without realizing their devastating effects on children, when we ask a child to be more like another "smart and hard-working" perhaps. The actual message being communicated is " you are lazy, not smart or hard-working" which could result in damaging consequences and may generate feelings of frustration, lack of self-esteem, in addition to anger, jealousy, hatred and more.
In order to implant refined qualities within our children; we must select means other than comparing one child to the other, an alternative is comparing a child to himself ; by highlighting positive qualities that he possesses, and encouraging him to adopt further positive practices . For example we can state the following to a child "you are a smart and hard-working child. You are very much loved by others, the only thing you need to do now is to neaten your room" by implementing such method; parents will enjoy affirmative outcomes with minimal counter effects.
Comparing one child to the other can demolish his individuality. Undoubtedly; it is every parents wish to be a constructive agent within their children's lives, this however; can never be achieved through comparison. Our objectives should be redefined to be in line with empowering new generations, extracting the treasures laying within them and finally believing that every child is exceptional and unique rather than comparing one against the other. We must strive to compare a child against himself in order to stimulate positive change and implant within him values and skills that would serve as a foundation of a strong and independent personality.
